BWF: Benefits With Friends
by cxvxs
Summary: The difference between friends with benefits and lovers is a huge leap, and yet sometimes it seems like the line between the two is so blurred it's hard to tell what's what. Kanda and Allen blurred the line between them...
1. Chapter 1

BWF: Benefits with Friends

_This is a rather depressing storyline about trying to find love in all the wrong places. KandaAllen with suggestions of KandaAlma and possibly other pairings later._

"Alma?" Kanda stepped toward the other exorcist. The exorcist turned and smiled at the samurai. "Kanda!" He ran over and tackled him in a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around the taller man.

Allen watched the two. He had heard the occasional story about Alma from Kanda. The two were childhood friends and had trained to be exorcists together. Alma had stayed in the Asia Branch, though, while Kanda came to the European branch. They hadn't seen each other since they were children. He knew that but he still felt a twinge in his heart. Kanda never reacted that way with him. Kanda barely acknowledged him as it was. Here he was, hugging and laughing with someone else. Allen mumbled to Lenalee that he was going back to his room and turned around, heading away from the scene. He'd seen enough. Kanda watched him go out of the corner of his eye, but he was too wrapped up in the novelty of meeting Alma again to notice the slight hunch in Allen's shoulders.

* * *

Kanda was sitting in the cafeteria, drinking a cup of tea, waiting for Alma to show. Allen brought his tray over and sat across from him. He began eating in silence. He didn't even seem to notice Kanda's presence, as though he'd sat at the table out of habit. Kanda enjoyed the silence, a novelty to him. He wondered briefly why the Moyashi wasn't eating as much as he normally would but he brushed it off. Allen continued to eat in silence. Alma laughed gaily and raced over to the table. Kanda smiled brightly at him and stood. Allen paused, his eyes flicking up to look at Kanda and Alma. He regarded them silently for a moment. He dropped his fork on his tray and stood, carrying it away from the table. His presence barely registered to the two friends. He dumped most of his food in the trash and exited the cafeteria. He suddenly wasn't hungry.

The scenes continued to repeat without anyone noticing. Allen was slowly breaking, his mental stability threatened daily. He kept it bottled up inside, refusing to let his weakness show. He began requesting more missions, claiming he felt useless in the Order. In reality, he couldn't stand to see Kanda and Alma together. He began eating less and less, losing weight. Still, no one really noticed. Jerry complained about Allen's appetite decreasing, but no one took him seriously. He was Allen; he _had _to have a huge appetite. He hardly ate on away missions, brushing it off as being energized by the adrenaline rush. He was breaking and nobody noticed; nobody cared enough to see the warning signs. Timcampy flew off in search of its Master, worried about Allen's condition. It disappeared right after Allen collapsed on a mission from exhaustion and hunger. Still, Allen refused to address the problem. Koumi ordered him to take a break and rest at the Order.

* * *

Allen was walking along, searching for Timcampy, when he stumbled across Kanda and Lavi talking. Lavi was laughing and patting Kanda on the back. Curious, he followed them. They were heading to the library. Kanda, apparently, had promised to meet Alma there and help him study. Lavi was returning after a break. He needed to help Bookman sort through his records. They talked about Kanda and then about Alma. Allen was becoming tired of the conversation and turned to leave when Lavi brought him up. He asked Kanda what he thought of Allen. When Kanda demanded to know why, Lavi laughed and said that the two of them had hung out quite a bit before Alma appeared. Kanda scoffed. "It's not like it was by choice. The Moyashi just followed me around, doing as he pleased. It was rather annoying."

"Ah, come on, don' be like that, Yuu." Lavi coaxed. "That's no way to talk about a friend."

"Che. I told you, don't call me that!" Kanda snapped, wrenching the library door open. "Besides, we're not friends. We're not even comrades."

That comment stung Allen. He stood there, frozen in shock. Lavi followed Kanda in but he didn't hear the redhead's response. His whole world was slowly going black. He couldn't even breathe. He stood there for several minutes, trying to breathe and not collapse mentally. Kanda had been lying to Lavi. He hadn't meant what he had said. He'd only said those cruel things because they were expected of him. He was trying to protect their relationship. He was trying to protect Allen from ridicule. Allen clung to that thought, desperately hoping and wishing it to be true. He needed it to be true to hold onto reality. He turned abruptly and headed back to his room. He needed to regroup.

* * *

Allen gaped at the scene before him, wide-eyed. He realized he hadn't talked to Kanda about their relationship status. He knew that Kanda regarded Alma with deep feelings, feelings he'd never shown Allen. He understood that _their_ relationship would never compare to the relationship Kanda had with Alma. Nevertheless, he'd thought they were different. He thought they were something more than "just friends" or "friends with benefits." He'd been so sure that their relationship had meant so much more to Kanda than an occasional fling. He'd never been more hurt to find out he was wrong. He'd overheard Kanda talking to Lavi about their relationship a few days ago. He'd said those hurtful comments about not being friends, "not even comrades" and that had hurt him, but he thought he'd been covering up their relationship. Tears stung his eyes but he didn't shed them. Apparently, Kanda had meant those words. He'd meant every one of them.

Lying in his bed, sheets tossled around them, fast asleep in each other's arms were Kanda and Alma. He didn't mean anything to Kanda after all. He'd just been a replacement and now that the real thing was here, he was no longer needed. The door fell away from his hands and shut close with a barely audible click. Allen turned away quickly. He was going to be sick. He moved in a daze, looking for some way to relieve the grief and betrayal he was feeling. He stumbled and caught onto the railing. He couldn't breathe. "Allen? Allen!" Lavi rushed to his side, worry filling his voice. " 're ya all 'ight? What's tha matt'r?"

Allen took a deep, shuttering breath. "I'm going to be sick." He managed to get the words out before the contents of his stomach hit the floor. His knees buckled but Lavi's strong arms wrapped around him, catching him before he fell. " 're ya all 'ight? 're ya sick?"

Allen shook his head. He couldn't help the small little hiccup that escaped him. A single tear rolled down his cheek and his body shook with the repressed grief. He should have never come to see Kanda. He should have never opened that door. He'd been content with their relationship when he'd known he mattered. He didn't think he could get that feeling back again. His body shook harder and more tears spilled out. The only sign of his overwhelming grief. He was slowly breaking, reaching the end of his emotional rope. It was only now that a hand reached out, trying to save him from the darkness threatening to overcome him. The problem was that he no longer knew _how _to reach out to grasp that hand.

* * *

Lavi held the shaking boy in his arms. He'd seen Allen walking and called out to him. His first sign that something was wrong was that he didn't respond. He didn't even seem to notice him, as if he hadn't heard him call out at all. When he came closer, he could tell he was shaking. He stumbled, tripping forward. For a brief, sickening moment Lavi was sure he was going to fall over the railing. If he fell, he would die. He rushed forward. Allen managed to catch himself, steadying himself by holding onto the railing. Lavi was by his side in the next instant. "Allen? Allen! 're ya all 'ight? What's tha matt'r?" Lavi cried anxiously. Allen's body shook and he managed to reply. "I'm going to be sick." He promptly was, spilling the contents of his stomach on the floor. Lavi reached out to rub his back just as his knees buckled. Instinctively, Lavi wrapped his arms around Allen's middle and pulled him back, supporting him.

" 're ya all 'ight? 're ya sick?" Lavi asked, trying to figure out what was going on. It was rare that something was wrong with Allen. If he was sick, it must be serious. Allen shook his head, however. A small hiccup escaped his lips. No, he wasn't physically sick it seemed. However, he appeared to be dealing with some very serious emotional problems. His body shook but he didn't cry out. Lavi didn't see the tear slip out until he noticed it on Allen's cheek moments before it fell. Allen's body shook harder as he repressed the sobs. No wonder he was sick, repressing his emotions this way! Another tear slipped out and Lavi watched it. Allen was truly hurting right now and he didn't know how to help him feel better. Allen never talked about his emotions, come to think of it, only listened to other people's pain.

"Cry. Let it all out. Just cry." Lavi coaxed but Allen shook his head. He refused to cry, suppressing his feelings further. The shaking lessened until he finally had his breathing under control. Allen took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then he was shaking again, his body twitching as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. _He was having a seizure!_ "Help!" Lavi cried, screaming out the words. "Sum body help! Please!" He held the shaking boy, his fear growing as the seizure worsened and for a brief moment, he was sure Allen would die in his arms before anyone came. Then Reever was beside him, sticking a piece of bundled cloth in between his teeth so they didn't shatter from the violent impact of repeatedly clinking against each other.

"Hold his head still. We don't want him to suffer any brain damage." Reever instructed him.

"What's happenin'? Why isn't it stoppin'?" Lavi demanded, panicking.

"Allen is having a seizure. We tried to keep it from you, but this happens to him sometimes. When a situation becomes too stressful for him or when he's repressed his emotions too long, he has a seizure. It's only happened twice since he joined the Order." Reever explained, loosening Allen's collar so it didn't accidently strangle him. "It's slowing now. It'll be over soon."

"What's going on?" Koumi appeared by Reever's side, took in the situation and turned to Lavi, immediately serious. "Go get the Head Nurse. She'll need to check up on him immediately. Go. Now."

* * *

Allen woke, his eyes fluttering open slowly. Everything was…white? "Where…am I?"

"Allen? Thank god, y'er awake!" Lavi was by his side in an instant, hovering over him. "I thought ya were nev'r goin' ta wake up!"

"Lavi? What happened? Where am I?" He tried to sit up but his body was sore and left heavy. "Ah… Guess that answers that question." He smiled sheepishly at Lavi. "Didn't mean to startle you. How long was I out?"

"St-startled _me?_" Lavi sputtered, upset.

"Twenty five minutes." Koumi spoke, stepping in front of Lavi. "The longest yet."

"I see…" He shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck. "That's not good."

"It's because you keep doing this to yourself." Reever crossed his arms, looking fairly upset. "You never talk about how you're feeling or what's going on. Rely on us, Allen. We're your friends."

"Sorry…" He gave another sheepish smile. "I'll try to talk to you more in the future, Reever-san. Thanks."

"Why don't you start right now by telling me what this was all about?"

A pained expression flitted across Allen's face and he shook his head. "It's nothing…"

"Allen, talk to us! What's going on? You said you could always talk to me." Reever pressed, stepping closer to the bed.

Allen's arms wrapped around his chest, his expression panicked. "There's nothing to tell." However, his teeth were clenched and he was beginning to shake again. "It's nothing. It's nothing."

"Okay. Okay." Reever conceded, placing his hands on Allen's shoulders. "There's nothing to tell. I won't ask anymore. It's okay. It's okay."

Allen nodded, his panicked expression dimming but not disappearing. "You…You won't tell anyone why I'm here, right?"

"You were just sick. Right, Lavi?" Reever looked meaningfully at Lavi. Lavi just stared at him dumbfounded before finally nodding. _How had he been sucked into this mess?_ "See? You were just sick. Nothing to worry about."

* * *

Kanda woke early that morning. He thought he heard someone shouting but the sound was gone now. Alma cuddled with him, tightening his arms around his waist. Kanda smiled and smoothed the hair from his forehead, placing a kiss there. It was an intimate gesture but it felt off somehow. It dawned on him that the last time he made that gesture, it had been with the Moyashi. That must be the difference. He snuggled back down in bed but try as he might, he couldn't go back to sleep. He tried for about an hour before he finally gave up. He pried himself free from Alma's grasp and climbed out of bed. Perhaps some meditation and morning exorcise would help calm his mind and spirit.

He found that no matter how hard he tried, though, he couldn't meditate. His mind was restless. He worked hard training, bringing his mind and spirit to his will. Even then, he couldn't shake the restless feeling. Something was wrong; his body could sense it. Something was undeniably wrong. He tried to sense what was wrong, but he couldn't pinpoint the feeling. He just knew that something was wrong and he needed to fix it. He didn't dwell on the fact, though. Alma came to find him, tapping over to him with a huge smile. He begged Kanda to have breakfast with him. Kanda conceded, hungry from trying to control his restless spirit and pinpoint his emotional unrest.

"What?" Kanda stared at Lavi. "What did you just say?"

"I said Allen's sick in tha hospital wing." He turned his head away, feigning indifference. "I figur'd ya would know. Until recently, ya two were becomin' real close."

"What's wrong with him?"

"Hmm?" Lavi looked at Kanda.

"What's wrong with the Moyashi?" Kanda snapped, glaring at him angrily. Alma, who'd been hanging off him, looked at him curiously.

"I dunno." Lavi replied honestly. "I found 'im 'ight be for' he was sick all over my new boots. He was a real mess." He was about to say something about the seizure, but he remembered his promise. He looked away, annoyed. _Why should he keep his mouth closed about this?_

Kanda stormed away, his quick strides angry. He hadn't heard any of this. He hadn't been informed at all. Why was he just hearing about this now? That baka Usagi! Obviously, it was more than just "sick" for him to be in the hospital wing. The Moyashi was never sick. He was always walking around with that stupid grin. He strode over to the hospital wing. No, it wasn't that he was never sick. That time, when they went investigating the leaf of revival, he'd gotten sick then. He'd spent an entire day bringing his fever down. Allen wasn't as strong as he pretended to be. He wrenched the door open and strode inside without hesitation. His stormy expression said clearer than words how upset he was having not been informed of the situation earlier.

Allen stared at him in the doorway, his eyes tracing his body for a moment. Kanda felt hot under that gaze and then Allen broke it, looking away. He coughed, looking flushed. "What are you doing here?" He readjusted his shirt, buttoning it as quickly as his clumsy, trembling fingers would allow him.

"What do you mean, what am I doing here? You're sick!" Kanda retorted.

"I just had a little bug. I'll be better in no time." Allen replied. His voice shook a little bit with effort and false bravo. Kanda felt lost, as if he was missing some important piece of information. Why was Allen acting like this?


	2. Chapter 2

BWF: Benefits with Friends

_The difference between friends with benefits and lovers is a huge leap, and yet sometimes it seems like the line between the two is so blurred it's hard to tell what's what. Kanda and Allen blurred the line between them, neither willing to address what they were to each other. Friends with benefits, lovers, or something else, they never discussed what they were until the damage was already done._

**_Warning: This series is hugely angsty, so don't read if you don't like angst. Sorry._**

_(The first chapter was originally put up as a teaser chapter for a friend of mine. I didn't expect anyone else to read it. However, within a day of putting it up, it's already got two reviews and several story alerts, which is the fastest that any of my stories have become popular. I decided to put up chapter two to see if it really was popular or just a fluke.)_

"Allen, talk to me. What was _that_ all about?" Lavi demanded, following Allen around.

"I already told you, it was nothing." Allen replied, brushing off the comment. He quickened his pace, trying to ignore Lavi. Lavi wasn't having it, though. He wanted to know what was going on and he wanted to know _now_. Until Allen told him, he wasn't going to let him get away with vague answers or reasons.

"Allen, I held you in my arms as you—you know." He cut off abruptly, catching a glare from Allen.

"I _told_ you, Lavi. It's just natural for me to react that way sometimes. It's how my body _copes_." Allen snapped, not stopping.

"How your body copes with what?" The voice stopped Allen cold in his tracks. He knew that voice, knew that voice with every fiber of his being and he loved that voice. He fought back the tears threatening to mist.

"Hello, Kanda. We were just talking about how my body copes with stress." His voice is a little strained but he clears his throat and it returns to normal. He's a great liar. He knows how to fake it. If it weren't for his left hand, he probably could have been a great author. As it is, he's beginning to regret his role as an exorcist.

"Yeah. Cause after what happened last time, I wanna know what's going on. I mean, for something to be that stressful that he reacts like that…" Lavi trails off. "It just doesn't make sense that he won't talk about it."

"Enough Lavi!" Allen cried, raising his voice for the first time. He covered his eyes with his hand. "You already swore you wouldn't speak of it again. If you break your promise, I'll never speak to you again! I'm dealing with it, so just leave it alone." He stormed off, leaving them both speechless.

Lavi regained his voice first, calling after Allen to wait. "And what do you mean, you're dealing with it? It sure doesn't look like that to me."

Kanda watched them go in confusion. He'd just been cut out of the loop. Why would Allen do that to him? He didn't understand. A feeling of foreboding hit him and he shivered. Something terrible was about to happen, he could feel it. He quickly shook off the feeling. This was ridiculous. Nothing could possibly be wrong. Still, he turned and began to walk away. He needed to check on Alma and make sure he was all right. He didn't notice Allen glance back at him. So caught up in his own little world, he never realized that the foreboding was _because_ of him.

* * *

Several weeks passed without incident. Lavi stopped following Allen around. Reever stopped trying to get Allen to talk to him. Everything seemed to have returned to normal. Indeed, on the surface, everything seemed perfect. Even Allen seemed to be doing better, dealing with the stress of finding out the truth in an almost normal way. He'd fortified himself, choosing to accept it and forget about Kanda. However, it was easier said than done. His heart still ached every time he saw Kanda. Every time he saw Kanda and Alma together, he felt like his world was collapsing a little bit. He held it in, though. He had friends who were worried about him. He had people who cared about him. He couldn't hold onto these selfish feelings anymore. He began eating again, much to Jerry's delight. However, it would have been better if he hadn't regained his appetite. This was only the calm before the storm. And the storm hit while he was in the cafeteria almost a month and a half after his last seizure.

He was talking adamantly with Lenalee, laughing at one of Lavi's jokes. He ordered a large meal, small compared to the ones he used to get, and waited for his food. He glanced around out of habit, looking for Kanda. It was the one bad habit he couldn't break himself of, the only one that he did purely out of need. Even if it hurt, he still needed to see Kanda. Even a glimpse was fine. Jerry handed him a tray laden with food and he laughed at his friends' reaction. He grabbed the tray gratefully, laughed at the joke Lavi made about his eating habits and turned around—and stared. He stood there, frozen in shock. He'd caught a glimpse of Kanda with Alma. They were just walking and Kanda looked around to make sure no one was looking their way. He brushed some hair aside and placed a gentle kiss on Alma's temple. The exorcist laughed at the contact and hugged Kanda.

The tray crashed to the ground, dropping from Allen's hands. He wasn't better after all. He clutched his chest, staggered to the side and then he followed his tray, crashing to the ground. "Allen!" Lenalee cried out in horror, her voice echoing across the cafeteria. Suddenly, everyone was panicking, rushing to help the fallen boy. Lavi was by his side first, holding his head steady. "Go get Reever." Nobody moved. Lenalee just stood there, sobbing. Lavi gritted his teeth. This wasn't a show. "Damn, somebody go get Reever now! Lenalee; quit crying and go find your brother. Tell him it's happening again with Allen. He'll understand. The rest of you, get away. This isn't a goddamn show. Go!" They hesitated for a moment, annoying Lavi further. His friend was in trouble and they were all watching. "I said leave, dammit! Get!"

Someone had gotten Reever, though, because he pushed through the dispersing crowd. He collapsed to his knees, not minding how they jarred from the impact against the hard tile. "How long has this been happening, Lavi? How long?"

"A couple minutes! I don't know. One minute he was fine, he turned around and suddenly this happened. What's going on, Reever?" Lavi demanded, panicking. Again, Allen's body was thrashing around in his arms, not seeming like it was going to stop any time soon. He didn't like this, didn't like feeling like this.

"I don't know, Lavi. I don't know."

On the other side of the cafeteria, Kanda was looking at the dispersing crowd with disgust. He hadn't heard Lenalee's shout. He thought it was just a finder or something. He tugged on Alma's sleeve, who was trying to head toward the commotion. "Come on, let's go. It looks like they're a mess over there. We can come back later and get something to eat."

"Are you sure? Somebody could be hurt." Alma countered, glancing worriedly at the smaller group. He caught a glimpse of the person on the ground. They had white hair. Wasn't that Kanda's friend? He opened his mouth to tell Kanda about it, but Kanda placed a finger over his lips. "If it's not you, I don't care. Let's go." He tugged on his sleeve again.

Alma nodded but glanced back. The white haired boy was shaking, his body moving in an odd way. The people around him seemed worried. Was Kanda really okay leaving like this? But Kanda was already pulling him away from the cafeteria. It seemed like he didn't mind. Maybe he was just an acquaintance of the boy.

* * *

Alma and Kanda sat in the zen garden for a while. Kanda was trying to mediate but Alma kept fidgeting. He wanted to talk to Kanda. Kand always got annoyed at him when he talked here, though. He didn't realize his fidgeting was just as annoying. Finally, Kanda sighed and turned to Alma. "What?"

"Eh?" He seemed surprised to have Kanda looking at him.

"You're fidgeting. Obviously, you either want to say something or do something. So tell me why you're fidgeting."

"About that boy, the one in the cafeteria."

Kanda sighed in exasperation. "I told you, forget about it. It's no big deal." He repositioned himself and tried to go back to meditating.

"But it looked like he was one of your friends!" Alma protested.

"You say that about everyone. Which one of my supposed _'friends'_ is it this time?" Kanda replied.

"The one with the white hair." Alma replied, pouting. He didn't like Kanda using sarcasm on him.

Kanda's eyes snapped open and he turned to regard Alma. "The Moyashi? Are you sure?"

Alma crossed his arms, still pouting. "Why do _you _care. He's not one of your _'friends'_ remember?"

Kanda grabbed him by the arms. "Are you sure it was the Moyashi!"

Alma stared at him, wide-eyed and nodded dumbly. Kanda rarely reacted that way about anyone. Apparently, he really was friends with the white-haired boy. Kanda stood and ran to the door. Alma scrambled to his feet and followed after him. He didn't know where Kanda was going, but he was probably going to search for the white-haired boy. It was a good thing he told him about it after all.

* * *

Kanda stood there, staring at Lavi with wide eyes. "What do you mean, he's in the hospital?"

"I'm saying that Allen seized up in the cafeteria! Weren't you there? It was a huge deal."

Kanda hesitated. He'd been in the cafeteria. He'd brushed the situation off, assuming it was nothing. Now he was begging for information about that same incident. He felt terrible. Lavi was glaring at Kanda and suddenly grabbed him by the front of his shirt. "You're his partner, yea. You should be there for him! It's been almost an hour! He still hasn't woken up. What have you been doing? Why weren't you there for him?"

"I'm here now." Kanda replied, annoyed that Lavi was pissed at him. Never mind that he had every right to be. He didn't like people angry at him and he didn't like them touching him. He shoved Lavi away, hard. Lavi, still pissed, punched him. That pissed Kanda off. He kicked Lavi hard in the stomach, sending the other skidding back several feet. In a matter of moments, it became a full-out brawl between the two of them. Alma ran up at the instant. "Yuu, did you find your friend?"

Lavi glared at the other exorcist. "Is _he_ the reason you didn't know? You were with him, weren't you? No wonder Allen doesn't talk to you anymore. He can't get a word in edgewise because the two of you are always together."

He hit a sore spot with Kanda. He grabbed Lavi's shirt and slammed him into the wall. "What are you talking about?"

"I noticed. A lot of other people have too. You spend all your time with Alma instead of Allen now. And Allen spends most of his time alone. You're not taking care of your partner. You obviously want a new one." He shoved Kanda off him and walked away. Kanda stared after him. Was that how he seemed? Did it really seem like he wanted a new partner?

"I'm going to the hospital wing. Wait in my room for me." He told Alma, kissing his forehead. The action still felt off to him. How odd...

* * *

Allen woke in the hopsital again. He stared up at the white ceiling. He didn't bother looking around. He asked the ceiling his question. "How long was I out this time?"

"Over an hour." A voice replied.

He started and looked over at the speaker, wide-eyed. What was Kanda doing here. He glanced around but Alma was no where to be seen. He sat up quickly and winced at the movement. His body was still sore from the seizure. "What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean? You're my partner." Kanda replied. He didn't add that he'd only been her the last fifteen minute. Fifteen long minutes of staring at the silent Allen. He was still pale but some of the color was coming back. Apparently, after the seizure, he'd stopped breathing. No wonder Lavi was pissed at him. He was pissed at himself. His partner had been dying and he wasn't anywhere to be seen. He hadn't been nearby. He hadn't even been thinking of him. He stared at Allen, wondering why his partner had never told him of this condition. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" Allen said the word a little too quickly. He blushed and looked away. "I mean, no. Please stay. I just, I thought you wouldn't be here."

"Why?" Kanda demanded, annoyed.

"I thought you would be with Alma." Allen replied in a small voice, still looking away.

_"I noticed. A lot of other people have too. You spend all of your time with Alma instead of Allen now. And Allen spends most of his time alone. You're not taking care of your partner. You obviously want a new one."_ Lavi's words echoed in his ears. Did Allen think that too. Didn't he trust him? He'd had his back until then. He was stung by the thought. Allen didn't trust him. Well, if he didn't trust him, maybe they shouldn't be partners anymore.

"You obviously don't trust me. I think maybe I should talk to Koumi about reassigning you a new partner." Kanda snapped, angry and hurt.

Allen didn't say anything, didn't even look at him. He just nodded his head once. Kanda jumped to his feet, pissed. He just _agreed?_ He didn't even _protest?_ He turned and stormed out of the room without a glance back. He didn't see Allen staring after him, biting his lip so hard a trickle of blood ran down his chin. He didn't see the tears in his eyes. Allen waited until the door slammed shut. No one else was around. He had a few minutes before everyone came. He bent over and cried out, silently screaming his pain and his sorrow. Tears dripped down on the bed spread, followed by a drop of blood. He didn't care. He wrapped his arms around him and continued to sit there, hunched over and silently screaming his pain. That was how Koumi, Reever and the Head Nurse found him. They barred access to him, shutting the door. No matter how much they tried, Allen wouldn't tell them why he was crying. He only shut himself up, holding it inside. Finally they left, thinking it would be better for him to cry alone than to not cry at all. Allen poured his heart out to the ceiling, the walls and the bed spread. He couldn't tell anyone else. He couldn't explain these feelings. He didn't want to. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.

* * *

One Week Later...

Allen hummed a song, walk down the hall. _"I will forgive, but I won't forget. And I hope you know, you've lost my respect. You better watch out, if you don't know what's going on around you. You better think twice, before you fly the handle and lose it. You better join us, before you get lost in the shuffle. You better rise against the demons that are gonna try and hold you down. Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love? Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love? The ones you love. The ones you love. The ones you love."_

"Allen! Allen-kun!" Lavi and Lenalee ran up to him. He turned and smiled at them, his eyes bright. There was trace of the tears he'd been silently crying before.

"Is it true?" Lenalee demanded.

"Is what true?"

"That you're going on another mission!" She cried.

"Oh. That. Yeah, it's true. I finally convinced Koumi to let me go."

"It's too soon Allen!" Lavi protested. "You've been really sick lately. You should just stay at the Order and…"

"And what? I'm an exorcist. I came back to be an exorcist. I'm not going to run away from the battle field." He smiled at both of them. "Thanks for your concern." He turned around and continued walking, still humming. _"I will forgive, but I won't forget. And I hope you know that you've lost my respect…"_

* * *

Allen returned from the missions battered and bruised, covered in the blood of three finders. He was silent for the first hour, still in shock. When he finally looked Koumi in the eye, he said two words. "It hurts." He promptly passed out after that. They took him to the hospital wing. He was there for three days but he refused to see anyone or talk to anyone. He barely ate and mostly slept. They managed to piece the story together from the remaining finders. It seems Tyki Mikk attacked the group while they were weakened. Allen held him off for several hours, allowing them to get to safety but just as he himself began to retreat, Tyki pulled him in and told him something. His reaction was immediate. He crumpled to the ground, in a seizure. It seems the Noah had been expecting a different reaction because he panicked and fled. Allen came out of his seizure and dragged the injured finders back to Headquarters despite shaking and bleeding from a wound in his stomach.

On the fourth morning, Koumi entered the Hospital wing to find it in an absolute panic. When he asked the head nurse what the matter was, she pointed to Allen's bed. On the bed were his coat and a note with two words on it. _"__I'm sorry.__" _Strangely enough, missing from the coat was the button with Allen's name on it. Leaving the coat was proof enough, though. Allen Walker had quit the Black Order and had quit being an exorcist. He was now an enemy of the Order. Koumi bit his lip, the note crumpling in his hand. He'd lost a good friend, lost him forever.

* * *

Allen hummed a song, walking down the street in a thin, slightly tattered long sleeve shirt. His pants were about an inch short and also tattered. He stared up at the night, taking in the breathtaking view of the stars above him. He could never return to the Black Order. No matter how much he wanted to be, he could no longer be an exorcist. _"I will forgive, but I won't forget. And I hope you know that you've lost my respect. You better watch out, if you don't know what's going on around you. You better think twice before you fly the handle and lose it. You better join us, before you get lost in the shuffle. You better rise against the demons that are gonna try and hold you down. Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love? Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love? The ones you love. The ones you love. The ones you love."_

* * *

"What do you mean; he's not an enemy of the Order?" Koumi demanded. "As an exorcist…"

"Allen Walker is no longer an exorcist." Hebraska replied. "His innocence returned to me shortly after he returned from his last mission. He is no longer compatible with his innocence. As such, he can no longer be considered an exorcist. He already spoke with the Commanders-in Chiefs. They agreed it would be for the best for him to leave the Order."

"He is…no longer compatible?" Koumi stared at Hebraska. How could he have missed the signs? Allen said he'd been having trouble lately. He'd told him that he was having a hard time staying in sync with his innocence. He'd been telling him that he was losing his compatibility and Koumi had ignored him, brushing it aside as complaints. He'd driven Allen harder, agreeing to let him go on dangerous missions even knowing his mental and physical state was weakening. Had he caused this? "He is no longer compatible… Wait!" He looked up at Hebraska. "Allen said a piece of his innocence became a part of his heart! If he loses compatibility, doesn't that mean...?"

"Allen Walker will die within the next six months if he cannot regain his compatibility."


	3. Chapter 3

BWF: Benefits with Friends

_The difference between friends with benefits and lovers is a huge leap, and yet sometimes it seems like the line between the two is so blurred it's hard to tell what's what. Kanda and Allen blurred the line between them, neither willing to address what they were to each other. Friends with benefits, lovers, or something else, they never discussed what they were until the damage was already done._

_(So I have no idea why this is so popular. It's a story I did on a whim. I really had no intention of posting it but one of my friends poked me and I had to give her a preview. Thus the first chapter was put up. I'm actually kind of excited that not even a full day after putting it up, I getting back so many reviews and have several people watching it. Since I have a couple chapters stored away on this, I figured I'd throw one more at you. I like to spoil my readers, even if I torture them a bit with cliffhangers. Well, Mog, seems this story is going to be read by more people than you. I hope you all enjoy it as much as me and Mog seem to.)_

* * *

Allen hummed a song, walking down the street in a thin, slightly tattered long sleeve shirt. His pants were about an inch short and also tattered. He stared up at the night, taking in the breathtaking view of the stars above him. He could never return to the Black Order. No matter how much he wanted to be, he could no longer be an exorcist. _"I will forgive, but I won't forget. And I hope you know that you've lost my respect. You better watch out, if you don't know what's going on around you. You better think twice before you fly the handle and lose it. You better join us, before you get lost in the shuffle. You better rise against the demons that are gonna try and hold you down. Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love? Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love? The ones you love. The ones you love. The ones you love."_

* * *

"What do you mean; he's not an enemy of the Order?" Koumi demanded. "As an exorcist…"

"Allen Walker is no longer an exorcist." Hebraska replied. "His innocence returned to me shortly after he returned from his last mission. He is no longer compatible with his innocence. As such, he can no longer be considered an exorcist. He already spoke with the Commanders-in Chiefs. They agreed it would be for the best for him to leave the Order."

"He is…no longer compatible?" Koumi stared at Hebraska. How could he have missed the signs? Allen said he'd been having trouble lately. He'd told him that he was having a hard time staying in sync with his innocence. He'd been telling him that he was losing his compatibility and Koumi had ignored him, brushing it aside as complaints. He'd driven Allen harder, agreeing to let him go on dangerous missions even knowing his mental and physical state was weakening. Had he caused this? "He is no longer compatible… Wait!" He looked up at Hebraska. "Allen said a piece of his innocence became a part of his heart! If he loses compatibility, doesn't that mean?"

"Allen Walker will die within the next six months if he cannot regain his compatibility."

* * *

Allen hummed a song, walking down the same street. He was still staring up at the night, taking in the breathtaking view of the stars above him. He really couldn't return to the Black Order. No matter how much he wanted to, he no longer belonged there. _"I will forgive, but I won't forget. And I hope you know that you've lost my respect."_

A tear rolled down his cheek as he stared up at the night sky. He wasn't going to regain his compatibility. He knew it, because the innocence was reacting to his heart, to his will. He wanted to die. He wanted to disappear forever. The innocence had felt this feeling growing inside him and answered. He was sad that he had to leave the Order but he wasn't surprised. He'd seen it coming. He tried to warn the others, but they hadn't listened. He hoped they could forgive him for keeping this from them.

* * *

"What…are you saying, brother?" Lenalee stared at him, wide-eyed. He hadn't felt this terrible about giving them news since they found out Allen was the fourteenth. Allen had stepped in then, saying what he couldn't say. But Allen wasn't here now, he wasn't coming back and _he_ had to tell his beloved sister and their friends the news.

"I'm saying that Allen Walker is none of your concern. All you need to know is he's not an enemy of the Black Order. If you see him, you are not to kill him." He didn't want to say anything else. He was having a hard enough time dealing with it himself. He didn't want to drag them down with this information as well.

"I did'un understand. It's protocol ta eliminate threats. 'm glad we don' 'ave ta kill Allen, but why?" Lavi demanded.

"You don't need to know why. Just that he's not an enemy." Koumi replied, gritting his teeth.

"How can you be so sure?" Choji asked.

"I'm sure! He's not an enemy!" Koumi cried, clenching his fists. He rubbed his eyes hard, trying to squeeze the tears back. "He's not an enemy of the Order, he's a victim…"

"A-a victim?" Miranda repeated.

"I believe you've heard enough." Link cut in. "Perhaps we should leave…"

"What do you mean he's a victim? He betrayed us!" Kanda demanded hotly.

"He lost his compatibility!" Koumi cried, slamming his fist on the desk. Kanda's jaw snapped shut audibly, but the floodgates had been let loose. Koumi couldn't stop the words anymore. "He lost his compatibility with his innocence, the _only_ thing keeping him alive. Allen Walker is dying because he is no longer useful to the Order. Now please leave." Tears leaked down his face as he banished the stunned exorcists from the room.

* * *

Allen smiled at the children running down the street. He felt a little self-conscious, walking around with one arm. It felt weird, no longer having his left arm. Growing up, he'd hated his left arm and there had even been times when he'd wish it were gone. He'd never thought he'd miss it. He chuckled, looking around him. London was certainly different from the tiny village he'd grown up on, the streets different yet the same. He wondered what his Master would think if he saw him now? He'd probably laugh and slap him on the back, thinking it funny that he was trying to escape the Order. Then he'd knock him out, drag him back, and force him to be compatible again. He laughed at this. He missed his Master. A stray tear leaked out without him noticing.

* * *

"Five months. He has five months. He'll come back. He'll come back." Koumi repeated persistently to himself. It had already been month since Allen left the Order. He hadn't bothered contacting anyone since and there'd been no sightings of him. He seemed to have disappeared. Koumi cursed his luck that he trained under General Cross. _He must have picked up a few bad habits from his Master!_ "He'll come back to the Order. He has to come back. He has to."

"Supervisor! There's been an attack! Some of the akuma got loose in the city square below us!" Reever told him.

Koumi nodded, he had to stay focused. "Send Kanda and Alma. Lavi, too, if he's available."

* * *

Kanda was having a hard time in the battle. He'd never seen so many level threes in one place before. His sword was knocked from his hand and clattered on the ground, spinning several feet away. Some children began to cry, huddled under the stairs of a collapsing building. They were obviously street urchins. He glanced around but his back up wasn't coming any time soon. An akuma impaled him and he stumbled back. One girl covered her head and cried out in a loud voice. "Allen-nii-san! Where are you?"

Someone darted forward and grabbed mugen, slashing through the akuma without hesitation. The boy turned to the street urchins, rushing to their sides. "I've been looking all over for you! Didn't I tell you it wasn't safe here?"

"Allen-nii-san!" The girl sobbed.

Lavi arrived on the scene and stared at the white haired boy talking to the children. "Al...len?"

Allen's head jerked up and he glanced back. His expression was hard to read, so many emotions filtering through it. "Ah. Lavi. Hey."

Lavi took a step forward. "Allen, is tha' really ya? Where 'ave…"

"Look out!" Allen suddenly darted forward, body-slamming Lavi. The two tumbled away just in time. A barrage of akuma blood bullets rained down where he'd just been standing moments before. Allen swung mugen, slashing through one akuma before tossing it over by Kanda. He grabbed Lavi's hammer and smiled apologetically. "Sorry, borrowing this for a bit." The hammer grew in his hand, and he smashed an akuma approaching the kids with it before handing it back to Lavi. "Thanks. Go get 'em!" He flashed a bright smile and headed back to the kids.

Allen watched them fight. He'd forgotten the feeling of being an exorcist. He loved that feeling, love feeling as if he was protecting somebody. He'd forgotten one part of the reason why he became an exorcist. He'd forgotten that saving the souls was the other part. He'd become so wrapped up in himself that he couldn't think straight anymore. No wonder the innocence had answered his wish. He'd failed it, forsaking the vow he'd made with it. How could he forget these feelings? How could he have forsaken his innocence? He didn't know. He glanced at the frightened children and smiled at them. "Don't worry, you're safe. See those people? They're my… They're exorcists. They'll protect you."

"Allen-nii, you were so cool!" "You smashed and sliced them!" "Diced 'em up good!" "So cool, so cool!" "Are you an exorcist?" "Can you fight like that all the time?"

He laughed and shook his head, ruffling the hair of one of the younger boys. "Not anymore. I stopped being an exorcist. I'm just like you now."

"Nuh-uh! You're too old to be one of us!" one of the younger kids protested and they all laughed. Even Allen, who Lavi hadn't seen laughing in a long time. He looked good. He looked normal again. Whatever had been wrong, whatever had been bothering him, wasn't now.

"Allen." Allen froze and slowly turned toward the familiar voice calling him. He knew that voice as if it were still a part of him, even after all this time. Kanda stood behind him, Lavi on his right. Allen nodded once to them and turned back to the kids. "Hey, I have to go talk to those people real quick. I'll be back, 'kay?"

"Okay!" "_'Kay!_" "Come back soon!" The kids cried. They waved at him and took off down the now-safe streets. They dispersed into many directions, returning to their habits of working on their own. He watched them go before turning around. Allen approached the two warily, his hand in his pocket. "Sorry to grab your innocence like that. I wasn't really thinking."

"W'at 're ya talkin' 'bout?" Lavi demanded. "I don' care 'bout tha'! Where 'ave ya been? We've been lookin' fer ya!"

"Looking for me? Why?" He shifted his weight, fidgeting. He seemed uncomfortable. "I'm no longer and exorcist, remember?"

"No longer… Ya grabbed meh hammer an' used it! In meh eyes, ya 're!" Began Lavi

"But not my eyes, apparently!" Allen cried. He reached over and yanked on his left sleeve hard, tearing it in half. They stared. There was nothing there. No arm. His innocence still hadn't returned. "I'm not an exorcist, okay? I don't belong with you guys anymore. So just forget about me." He turned and quickly began walking away from them.

"Allen!" Kanda cried out. He took a step towards him. He wanted to talk to him. He wanted Allen to tell him it was all a lie. To tell him that he hadn't lost his compatiblity. That his innocence really wasn't a part of his heart. And he wanted to apologize to Allen. He wanted to tell him it had been a mistake to split up as partners. He wanted to apologize, apologize for leaving him in a lurch. Apologize for not having his back. There was so much he wanted to talk to him. He called him again. "Allen!"

Allen's speed increased, ducking his head. They couldn't see him gritting his teeth. Hearing Kanda call his name, after all this time... It did something to him. He wanted to answer, wanted to respond. Instead, he kept his head bowed and continued walking away. He gave up being an exorcist. He gave up the Black Order. He had to give up Kanda too, even if he didn't want to. He'd been surprised to see Kanda. Surprised to see Lavi. He'd been surprised that he was able to use their innocence. But what surprised him the most was that all the old feelings that he'd bottled up and hid inside for Kanda resurfaced the minute he saw him. Looking at him, seeing him again. He couldn't trust himself not to give in and return to the Order. There was nothing waiting for him back there. There was no reason for him stay. Kanda had Alma. He didn't need him anymore. A few tears spilled out but he didn't notice.

"Allen! Allen! _Allen!_" Kanda shouted after him. Out of desperation, he tried a different tactic. "M-Moyashi!"

Allen froze in his tracks. The feel of having his old nickname called after all this time, it was beautiful. _That _was the reason he'd fallen in love with Kanda in the first place. Kanda showed him a side that he didn't show anyone else. He'd reacted in the same way, showing Kanda a side he rarely showed anyone else. That connection had been special to him. He'd missed that connection. Slowly he turned looking back. Tears were running down his cheeks and he knew it. He smiled and waved at them before turning back and running away. He disappeared into the crowds beginning to form around them. Grateful citizens kept thanking them repeatedly as their friend disappeared from their sight. They couldn't even chase after him.

* * *

Allen hummed a song, walking down the street in a thin, slightly tattered long sleeve shirt, which was missing half of the left sleeve. It hung limply at his side. His pants were a couple inches short and rather tattered. He stared up at the night, taking in the breathtaking view of the stars above him. He could never return to the Black Order. No matter how much he wanted to be, he could no longer be an exorcist. _"I will forgive, but I won't forget. And I hope you know that you've lost my respect. You better watch out, if you don't know what's going on around you. You better think twice before you fly the handle and lose it. You better join us, before you get lost in the shuffle. You better rise against the demons that are gonna try and hold you down. Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love? Does it run in your blood to betray the ones you love? The ones you love. The ones you love. The ones you love."_

"Allen-nii?" He glanced at the girl he was carrying on his back. It was harder than he thought carrying her with only one arm. "Hmm?"

"Allen-nii, why don't you go back?" She asked, rubbing one eye sleepily. "I saw it. Your arm came back when you were fighting. You had a black left arm. It was real cool. You ken go back to the Order, right?"

Allen faced forward, looking down at the ground. She was still little, still young enough to believe in the happy endings he couldn't believe in. "I… I can't go back. The reason I left was because I couldn't be around some people."

"Did they bully you?"

He chuckled and shook his head. He would never say that Kanda outright bullied him. No, Kanda only teased him mercilessly. His smile faded. Kanda _had_ teased him, before Alma. "No, but we didn't get along. He didn't want to be my friend."

"Did you have a miss-under-standing?" She asked, drawing the word out. She really was adorable. He loved caring for her. He couldn't believe her parents would abandon her on the streets.

"Yes. We had a big misunderstanding."

"Then you have to clear it up." She told him sagely. She was really cute, acting all wise even though she was about to nod off. "If you have a miss-under-standing, you have to talk it out and make everything better. You taught us that, Allen-nii."

"That's true." Tears stung his eyes and a few hit the cobblestone path. "I should probably talk to them a clear up any misunderstandings."

"And then you'll go back?" She asked, her voice soft with sleep.

"I don't know. I really don't know."

* * *

Allen stood in front of the Black Order door, his right hand in his pocket. This really did bring back memories. This was the spot where he'd first met Kanda. He looked up at the castle. This place has once been his home. It was nostalgic, coming back here like this. A golem flew up to him and he glanced at it. "Hmm? Ah, I won't be long. Don't worry. I just came to talk to Hebraska." He flashed a small, polite smile.

"_Allen, is that really you?"_

He recognized that voice. "Reever?"

"_It is youuuuuuuu!"_ There was some serious sobbing going on the other end of the golem and Allen sweat dropped. "Um, are you okay? Is everyone okay?"

"_Alllllllleeeeeeennnnnn!"_

He sweat dropped again. Apparently, _he_ was the problem. "Um, I'm just going to go and, you know, come back later…" He mumbled. He was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

"_No, no! You can't go! You just got back! Lavi, Kanda, stop him!"_

"Eh? What? Wait, wait!" Allen held his hand up defensively. "Don't attack! I'm unarmed!" He glanced down and then up again. "Literally!"

It was too late, though. Lavi's huge hammer was coming down from the sky and he saw the flash of mugen from the rooftop. "Intruder? We'll take care of 'em, huh, Yuu?" Lavi laughed. "Hnh. I told you not to call me that." was the surly reply.

"Wah! This is why I didn't want to come back!" Allen cried, scrambling to get out of the way. "That's it! Never again! I'll never listen to her again! Stupid, stupid! I'm gonna _diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeee!_"

He managed to avoid Kanda altogether but he almost got smushed by Lavi's hammer. He 'eeped' and scrambled back, toward the tree line. "Gonna die, gonna die, I'm gonna die! All for taking advice from a five-year-old!"

"_Oi, don't kill him! I want to see him alive! Unlike you, I haven't seen Allen in two months!"_ Reever cried in protest from the golem. That calmed the two quickly. Allen, however, had decided he'd had enough.

"Sorry! I won't come again!" He made a run for the stairs, though that was practically suicide going down with one arm. Lavi and Kanda both shot forward after him. "Wait, Allen!" Lavi cried. "We did'un know it was you! Sorry!"

"Stop, it's dangerous over there."Kanda cried out, faster of the two.

Allen slipped and he was about to fall over the edge. He wind-milled with one arm and suddenly he was surrounded by his innocence, covered in Clown Crown. "Wah! I thought I was a goner!" He cried, collapsing to his knees. Before they could blink, the innocence was gone_. It must have been an illusion._ They both thought. He glanced up and freaked again, his one arm in front of him. "Wah, don't kill me, don't kill me! Sorry, I'm sorry!"

Kanda yanked him up by the collar of his shirt and quickly dragged him away from the edge, toward the Order. "_Baka_, where do you think _you're_ going?"

"Um, I was thinking about going home. Preferably in one piece." He replied meekly but he didn't fight to break free.

Lavi laughed at that. "W'at 're ya talkin' 'bout? Ya _'re_ home!"

Allen blinked at him. He blinked again and suddenly tears were running down his face, a little stream of snot trailing down from his nose. He was a mess. A complete and total mess. "Stu~pid! Telling me that won't make me come back." He rubbed at his face, a completely _ungentlemanly _gesture. A _human _gesture. This wasn't the polite, gentlemanly Allen. This was Allen, their friend. The Allen they'd all been missing. Lavi smiled at him. "It's good ta 'ave ya back, Allen."


	4. Chapter 4 part 1

_So I'm so sorry, I hadn't realized I hadn't updated in so long. I've been really busy and slacking off on my fanfic duties. Here's part one for you, I'm still working on part two but I hope to have it up by the end of the week. Please enjoy in the mean time~_

_Also, I tried to fix the mistakes people were complaining about in the past. . If you have any more problems with my writing please tell me. I'll try my best to be better in the future._

* * *

Of course, with Allen back, everyone was elated. Komui wanted to throw a party and for once, everyone agreed. Allen was swept along, not even given a chance to protest. The preparations happened as quickly as they could throw something together. The party lasted for quite a while, everyone trying to talk to Allen and ask him questions. His expression grew more and more pensive as the night wore on, though. He had never meant to stay and having them keep him here… It weakened his resolve. Lenalee kept asking him questions about how he was. Was eating right? Where was he sleeping? Was he healthy? Komui wanted to know where he was staying and with whom. Reever asked if he'd made any new friends and if he was doing better. Allen kept his answer vague. He wasn't about to tell them about his new life. Not when what he had to tell them would send them searching for him all over again.

"Speech, speech!"

"Give a speech Allen! A welcome-back speech!"

A chorus of calls came to him. He bowed his head. It was time then. He sat on the couch, looking at the ground for a long while. Finally, he nodded. He'd tell them, tell them now before they got their hope any higher. "I'm not back." Allen finally spoke up, looking down at his feet. "I… I was happy here. I came to tell you all that. I was happy here. This was the first place I had to call home in a long time. You all were the first real family I've ever had. I was happy here." He looked up and his blue eyes had faded to gray, steeled with resolve. "But even though I was happy, I was also unhappy. I could never be myself here. I could never be true to myself. I was happy being an exorcist and serving with you. But I…I can't pretend anymore. I can't pretend that I'm alright anymore." He stood up, looking around the silent room. He bowed. "Thank you. Goodbye."

"Allen." Lavi called after him. "You can't mean that! You're—you're Allen! You're the boy who will defeat the Earl! How can we win without ya? How can we fight without ya? You're our friend, our comrade, our _nakama_."

Allen winced at the term. He shook his head, he wasn't any of that anymore. Without his left arm, without his innocence, he was useless to the Church. He wasn't even fit to be a finder anymore. He slowly turned and headed towards the door.

"That's right!" Lenalee called after him, desperate to make her friend stay. "You belong with us. You're our friend Allen. You're _my_ friend."

Allen kept walking. He swore he would keep walking forward. He couldn't afford to look back anymore. Not now, when looking back threatened to keep him from going on. He wanted to stay, he did. But he couldn't, not anymore. He could feel his resolve weakening and he sped up, just a little. He would keep walking forward. He couldn't stop. He couldn't go back. Just like he promised Mana and himself. If he couldn't fight akuma as an exorcist, so be it. He would find another way to save their souls, apart from the Church. He'd never really fit in anyway. The others hadn't taken kindly to knowing he wanted to save the souls of the akuma. Many finders and exorcists had reserved their feelings of disapproval, even acting friendly toward him, but he still heard the rumors. He still felt the dark gazes on his back. He didn't belong here, he never did, and he was only doing what was necessary. He bit his lip, holding back the sob that threatened to escape him.

"Allen, Allen, Allen, Allen." Everyone chanted his name but he only shook his head and lowered it a little. He kept walking.

* * *

Kanda stood suddenly and followed him out of the room. Alma hesitated, unsure of what to do. Should he follow or give them some privacy to talk? They were supposed to be partners after all. After several moments of silent debate with himself, he trailed after them. "Moyashi. Wait." Kanda called, catching up to Allen in a deserted hallway.

Allen paused and stopped in his tracks. "…Kanda." He didn't turn around.

"Tell me why you're really leaving. It's a lie that you were unhappy. Why are you really leaving?"

Allen shook his head and took a step forward. Kanda's hand shot forward and grabbed his left shoulder, whirling him around. Allen was crying, silent tears streaming down his face. He turned his head away. "Let me go, Kanda. It's none of your business anymore."

"It is my business! I, I feel about you…"

Allen paused, looking at him hopefully. Kanda couldn't understand that expression. What was he expecting from him? Why was he looking at him like that? The words he was about to say died on his lips. He couldn't get them out of his throat. Worry and pain warred inside his heart. What if he said the wrong thing and drove Allen away for good? He couldn't bare that thought. Seeing him again, thinking for a brief moment he was back, that had filled Kanda with a hope he couldn't explain. His heart fluttered excitedly in his chest and he wanted to feel more of that feeling. He wanted to hold Allen to him, hold him tight, and beg him to stay. Not for the Order, or as a duty as an exorcist but for him. He opened his mouth to speak his thoughts and feelings.

"Kanda?" Alma asked tentatively, catching up with them. Kanda trailed off, looking back at Alma. His expression of desperation softened and dulled, making Allen chest seize with pain. It felt as if his heart was being stabbed, his chest squeezing painfully. He decided it was all or nothing and he wanted to die without regrets. He grabbed Kanda by the front of his shirt and yanked him forward for a scandalous kiss, pouring his whole heart, all his buried feelings, into the kiss. He felt Kanda still and his heart sank. He was pulling away when Kanda's hands suddenly were gripping his hair and he was kissing him back, making love to his lips in a way he'd never done before. More tears spilled down Allen's cheeks, crushed between the two of them as they shared a passionate, heartfelt kiss. Then Allen was shoving Kanda in the chest and pulling back several feet. "I _can't _do this anymore. I can't play second best! I'm sorry." He turned and fled, running down the hallway.

* * *

"Second best?" Kanda repeated, staring after him. It's true that he hadn't always place Allen first but he had never thought of him as…

"Kanda?" Kanda's eyes widened. Alma touched his hand gently. "Kanda, what's going on? What was that all about?" Kanda looked at Alma. He really hadn't changed since they were children. He reached out and brushed a stray strand of hair out of his face. Alma smiled up at him. "Was he in love with you? Is that why he wants to leave?"

"Yeah… Yeah, I think that's why he wants to leave." Kanda glanced back at the now empty hallway. "Alma, what are we?"

"Childhood friends." He replied without thinking.

Kanda nodded. "But are we anything else?"

Alma thought for a moment and looked up at him. "Just that?"

Kanda would have thought that statement would have made his heart ache. He thought it would have made him angry or sad or even made him cry. Instead, it relieved him, as though it lifted a great weight off his shoulder. That's right. That was the difference. It had started as "benefits with a friend" with the Moyashi, but it had slowly turned into something more. It had blossomed, turning into love. He loved him. He loved the Moyashi, and he had hurt him with his inability to be clear about his feelings. He had to find him, had to tell him everything and make it clear. He ruffled Alma's hair absently, wondering where to start the search. Even if the Order couldn't find him, Kanda would find Allen again. He'd find him.

* * *

Allen didn't appear again in front of them. Even when they searched the lower town, they couldn't find him. He appeared to have left London. Worse still, the locals had taken a liking to him and refused to open up about his whereabouts. They wouldn't talk to the exorcists and they had complete disdain for the Central agents. No one would say anything in regards to Allen, no matter how his friends asked and begged. Some even glared at the exorcists, berating them for trying to bring him back. They wouldn't listen to explanations or excuses. All they would say was that Allen was happier now than he could ever be in the Black Order. It was during this commotion that Cross Marian returned. He stormed into Komui's office one evening, slamming the door open, and demanded to know why his pupil wasn't in his room. Komui stared at Cross. After having disappeared on another mission, he hadn't expected to see him back so soon. It didn't even register that he was asking about Allen at first. Then he looked away. He really didn't want to be the one to explain what was happening to Cross.

Cross strode over to the desk, slamming his hands down hard and demanded to know what was going on. "I was in the middle of a mission for the Church when Timcampy finally found me! He showed me what Allen's been going through, that he's been crying himself to sleep and barely eating! He actually collapsed from exhaustion and hunger! I want to know what's going on. Allen's not a stupid kid. If something was seriously wrong, he would talk about it unless he was sure that the consequences of talking about it would be worse than keeping silent. Tell me what's going on. Where's my pupil?"

Komui stared at the ground, a sharp pain in his chest as he listened to the angry General. Of course Timcampy would have noticed that something was seriously wrong with Allen. Why hadn't he tried checking the golem for clues? Hearing that Allen had been in this condition for a while was enough to nearly break the tired Supervisor. Had they all really been that blind to the signs? Allen always smiled so cheerfully, but how could they miss the tale-tell signs that led to this end? He sighs and rubbed his forehead before collapsing tiredly in his chair. "Allen has left the Order of his own free will. He is no longer an exorcist. We can't find any trace of him and he seems to have picked up your disappearing habits. All our leads are met with dead ends and the people who do know refuse to talk to us."

Cross glared daggers at Komui. "What do you mean?" He hadn't heard about any of this. Of course, after finding Allen missing, his first stop had been to see Komui. Timcampy fluttered around him, clearly agitated. The little golem was worried about its master and wanted to go find Allen. It had left to find its maker since he usually knew how to help Allen, but now it wanted to see the master it had been missing so very much. Cross spared it a glance and Timcampy finally rested on his shoulder, but the tiny golem was clearly aggitated. The angry general crossed his arms and looked at Komui expectantly.

Komui sighed and took off his glances, pinching the bridge of his nose. Despite his appearance, General Cross wasn't the type to take apprentices. Allen had been his first and he was very protective of him. Komui had received several threatening letters from Cross Marian after Allen had arrived, promising to bring down the organization if anything happened to Allen. He loved his pupil dearly and treated him as a son. He wouldn't take the news well. "Allen's lost his compatibility. He is no longer a compatible user with his innocence. For the moment, it seems to be keeping him alive but I don't know how long that will last."

Cross snarled at this news, pissed beyond anything Komui had ever seen. He glared at the Supervisor before abruptly standing. "I'm taking some innocence with me. Try to stop me and I will quit the Order."

"What are you hoping to accomplish, Cross?" Komui demanded.

"I'm going to bring my idiot apprentice back by force and make him compatible again." He snapped and quickly exited the room. Cross Marian approached Hebraska and removed five innocence pieces in appearance of recruiting new exorcists. One of those was Allen's innocence. He left that same night, disappearing without a trace.


	5. Side Story Golem Love

_And this is a small side story that I wanted to do. You can take it as part of the overall story or just by itself._

* * *

Kanda glanced at the tiny golem following him. Really, he didn't understand why the Order saw it necessary to assign one to him specifically just because he was an exorcist. He took to ignoring the thing, not wanting to have to deal with it. However, lately he had noticed it was starting to grow on him. He sighed in aggrevation. He didn't need something like this. The tiny golem ignored his annoyed sigh, fluttering around him and following him like it was supposed to. He went back to ignoring it. Really, he just couldn't deal with the thing.

* * *

When Allen arrived, one of the first signs that he was really an exorcist was the tiny golem fluttering around him. It was General Cross Marian's golem, one he had specifically designed. It followed the boy everywhere and he seemed to delight in the fact. He showered the golem, which he called Timcampy, in affection and attention. It was a foreign concept to Kanda. Why would he care about a golem? It was just a tool. It wasn't something to be cared for. In fact, it could be easily replaced. He watched the boy with his golem, strangely curious about this weird relationship. They certainly seemed to have a bond. He glanced at his own golem. It fluttered closer to him and he blinked. Did he also have a bond with his golem? That was a strange thought. He spent the rest of the day contemplating that thought.

* * *

His relationship with the Moyashi was clearly no relationship. It was clear seeing them together, bickering like cats and dogs, that they couldn't get along. Even their golems couldn't get along! Every time they fought, their golems would glare at each other and swirl around angrily. He thought it was odd, since the golems shouldn't be able to feel any emotions, but he figured it only proved his point. He didn't see any deeper meaning to it. It did amuse him a bit though and when he couldn't sleep on nights he had missions, he would think about it. Even their golems couldn't get along. He and the Moyashi really were opposites.

* * *

When he was assigned to be the Moyashi's partner, Kanda immediately thought the boy would protest. However, he stayed silent though he would glare at Kanda every now and then. He'd noticed recently, or rather it had finally come to his attention, that the Moyashi only showed this side to him. No one else, just him. He liked that thought and it made him want to smirk. In a way, he controled the Moyashi. He controled the Moyashi in a way no one else was capable of. However, there was another thing he noticed. For some reason, the Moyashi's golem had taken to shadowing his own. His golem didn't seem to mind the attention, though every now and then they'd fight like they used to. He just assumed that the golems had gotten so used to being around each other that they were comfortable with each other now. He didn't think anything of it, though he wondered why Timcampy, who was usually so attached to his master, would suddenly abandon him to find his golem. Soon enough, though, the Moyashi would come along to collect his golem. Timcampy usually went back without a fuss, though sometimes he refused to leave. The Moyashi would sigh and accompany Kanda for a bit during those times. Kanda found that he didn't mind, so long as the boy stayed quiet. Sometimes he did and sometimes the Moyashi insisted on talking. Still, he saw no deeper meaning behind the golem's actions, nor his own which occassionally would seek out Timcampy or try to follow him when he left with his master.

* * *

After they became "friends with benefits" Kanda expected things to change drastically between him and the Moyashi. They didn't though. The Moyashi acted the same towards him during the day. He found comfort in that fact. However, when they spent their nights together, he saw another side of Allen that he hadn't noticed before. He saw his passion, saw his life force, saw his clingy cuddly side. It barely registered that their golems were growing closer. Timcampy often sought out his golem now, day or night. When Timcampy didn't come, his golem would go looking for the lighter golem. He and the Moyashi were thrown together more often because of the two golems. He was silently thankful for those extra moments they were allowed. He began to wonder about their golems. Was it possible for them to have feelings after all? No, no. They were tools. They were easily replaceable. They couldn't have emotions.

* * *

One night, he was musing his thoughts out loud as the Moyashi lay next to him, curled up against his side apparently asleep. Timcampy was cuddling with his golem and Kanda sighed at the sight. "Why is it that our golems are so close?"

Allen stirred and blinked at the two golems blearily, not really awake. He smiled lazily up at Kanda. "Don't you know, Kanda? The golems reflect our emotions."

Kanda glanced at the younger boy. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"They feel what we feel and it's relayed back to them. That's why they act that way." He yawned, cuddling up to his lover. He cared little that his naked body was pressed against Kanda's. "I thought you knew, Kanda."

Kanda thought it over. It made sense. Everything he noticed, it all made sense now. He glanced at the smaller boy again before hesitantly running a hand through his white hair. "...Yuu."

Allen opened his eyes and looked up at him. "Hmm?"

"It's Yuu. You can call me that." Kanda told him softly, allowing his face to soften.

Allen sat up, wide awake now. "Are you sure?"

Kanda nodded, looking at the golems, flustered. Allen wrapped him in a happy hug. "I'm so happy...Yuu."

"Che."

Allen nuzzled his neck. "Thank you." Timcampy cuddled with Kanda's golem more than ever, apparently receiving all his master's happiness.

* * *

Kanda hadn't notice the distance growing between him and Allen since Alma's arrival but his golem had. Timcampy still came to visit occassionally, but Allen no longer came to retrieve him. After a while, even those occassional visits stopped. Kanda's golem got in the habit of disappearing. Kanda could often find it trailing after Timcampy and the Moyashi. The Moyashi always seemed happy by his golem's appearance and didn't mind at all the it came to visit him. Kanda did, however, as it caused problems for him. He had to go looking for it whenever it disappeared and that meant less time with Alma. He told his golem repeatedly that it needed to stop visiting the two. It continued to visit them, however, despite his growing annoyance. However, those visits began to lessen as well. He didn't notice but Allen did and it effected both him and Timcampy. When Timcampy suddenly disappeared, his golem took to shadowing the boy and keeping him company. Kanda let it. He was busy spending time catching up with Alma, he couldn't be bothered with it anymore.

* * *

When Allen got sick, the golem refused to leave his side for a week. Kanda was slightly worried about the boy so he didn't mind. But after he proved better, he tried to pull the golem back to him, away from the boy. The golem resisted, trying to tell him something. He ignored it, yelling at the golem for not obeying his orders. The golem sulked but took to following him around again. Content, Kanda ignored it again in favor of Alma. But his golem would sneak off during his time spent with Alma to be with the Moyashi. Kanda noticed and it annoyed him but it always came back to him in the end. He had forgotten Allen's words in regards to the golems. He saw no deep meaning behin it's actions, only a way to annoy him. He took to ignoring the golem pointedly as punishment. The golem understood the message and stopped visiting the Moyashi. It still tried to approch the Moyashi whenever they passed each other by but Kanda called it back to his side. Allen, noticing the change in the golem's behavior, took it as a sign of Kanda's changing feelings instead of his stubborness to acknolwedge them.

* * *

After hearing that Allen was no longer an exorcist, Kanda's heart was thrown into turmoil. His golem, feeling his conflicting emotions, did its best to comfort its master. Too late, Kanda remembered Allen's words. Golems can feel the feelings of their masters. He had noticed that Timcampy sometimes reacted to how he felt. He wondered belatedly if his golem could feel the Moyashi's emotions as well. Was that what drew it to the boy time and time again? And instead of trying to figure out what was wrong, instead of listening to his golem, he had distanced himself from it. He had distance himself from his golem and from Allen. He wondered if it was too late to fix things. His golem was silent on the matter, unable to respond to his worry.

* * *

Kanda was walking around the Order listlessly when he noticed Timcampy. His heart surged with hope. However, the golem was flying around in an irratic, aggitated manner. The reason why soon became clear. It was with the general, Cross Marian. Timcampy noticed Kanda and his golem. Hesitantly, it approached the two. However, when his golem tried to meet the lighter golem halfway, Timcampy recoiled. It appeared fearful. Kanda wondered if these were Allen's feelings? Did the boy fear approaching him? It took a couple times but finally Timcampy approached his golem. It nuzzled his golem a little, showing the same affection it had always showed. But it pulled back before his golem could return the affection. Cross Marian was leaving, and so was Timcampy. Kanda hesitated, wanting to follow. Timcampy was the only link he had left to his lost love. Finally he made up his mind. Using his golem, he told Komui he was going to take a leave of absence and follow General Cross. He didn't explain why. Komui agreed it was a good idea after some thought, and told Kanda not to let the General disappear on them again.

Kanda's golem followed after Timcampy, trailing it like a lost puppy. Timcampy would approch his golem every now and then, but it wouldn't get close to it again. Every time his golem sought it out, Timcampy withdrew. Kanda wondered what emotions the Moyashi must be feeling right now that his golem would react like this. One thing was confirmed to himself, though. Even if it was too late, he did indeed love the Moyashi if his golem was any indication. It waited patiently for Timcampy to approch it, tried to approch the golem, and never gave up when it was rejected. He wondered what the Moyashi would make of all of this. Would he smile? Would he cry? Golem love really was a complicated thing, especially knowing his love was being reflected through his golem. Hopefully, he wasn't too late.


	6. Chapter 4 part 2

_It's been a long wait, I know, but part 2 is finally out! General Cross sets out and so does Kanda~ I hope you enjoy this, it'll be really good from here on out._

_Also, in case you're wondering this is one of my shorter series. It should have maybe three or four chapters more. You can look forward to me wrapping it up soon enough ^^ Though I doubt anyone will guess how it ends since even I'm a little surprised with some of the turns of events going on here._

* * *

With Kanda, before Cross appears…

Kanda searched desperately for Allen, never letting on how much he needed to find his former lover. He couldn't make this up to Allen. He would spend the rest of his life regretting his actions and hoping he could use all his time to prove to the boy exactly how much he meant to him. He searched all of London, not bothering to eat or rest. He collapsed twice from exhaustion and once from hunger. He had to be dragged back to the Order to rest half a dozen times. He grew listless when his search turned up nothing. He'd been so sure he could do what the Order couldn't, that _he_ could find Allen and bring him back. His inflated ego and pride crushed, he began to contemplate his actions.

He remembered that hopeful expression he'd shown him that last night he'd seen him. Understanding that expression, he cursed himself for swallowing his words. They were the words Allen had been hoping for, the words that would have kept him here. Instead, he'd driven the boy further away and forced him to wear that heartbroken expression. His expression twisted in pain at the memory. He'd missed the Moyashi, hadn't realized how much until he was shut out of his life. Even when he was with Alma, a part of him was thinking of his younger lover, wondering how he was.

He'd felt jealousy when he noticed that Lavi was in on a secret that he didn't know about. He'd been furious at the time, though he'd quickly bottled the feeling. The way they'd been talking, for a moment he doubted the Moyashi's loyalty. It sounded almost as they'd been embracing each other. _"I held you in my arms,"_ Lavi had said and Kanda still felt a pang remembering the words. Even knowing the truth behind those words now, he still couldn't disperse the image of Allen and Lavi together in bed. He knew he didn't have a right to be jealous. He'd tossed the Moyashi aside for a childhood friend, abandoning the boy and putting him through pain. Still, he wanted to strangle the Rabbit knowing that he'd been closer to the Moyashi at any point.

He'd snapped at Alma for keeping silent about the Moyashi collapsing, even though it hadn't been his fault. Kanda should have gone and checked on the situation himself. Instead, he'd turned his back on his partner, literally, and left him alone. While he waited those fifteen minutes for the boy to wake up, he'd barely dared to breathe. When Allen first stirred, his heart lurched in his chest, beating so fast it was painful. Looking back, it should have been obvious even then; he was in love with the boy. Instead, he brushed it off as concern for his partner's wellbeing. He'd been stupid, so stupid.

When Allen sat up and looked at him, he thought he would die. The boy looked so surprised to see him there, as though he really didn't expect him to show. That thought has left him stunned. Hearing him voice that opinion aloud had threatened to cripple Kanda, though he hadn't let on at the time. The surge of guilt he felt knowing his partner and lover hadn't expected him to care about him had given way to anger. It was that anger that caused him to lash out, demanding to know if Allen wanted to switch partners. He couldn't even imagine how hearing those words from his lips must have made Allen feel. When he agreed, he wondered what expression the boy had been wearing. He couldn't explain the pang he felt when Allen agreed to switch partners, not then at least. He understood it now. He'd felt heartbreak. Why was it that only _now_ did he understand his feelings? If he'd understood them earlier, if he'd realized what he was feeling and why, none of this would have ever happened. He continued to search for his love, knowing that it would never be enough.

* * *

When General Cross showed up a two short weeks after Allen disappeared for the second time, Kanda was still out looking for Allen. However, that evening Lavi and Alma dragged him home for some much-needed rest and something to eat. He managed to ditch them once they dragged him back to the Order. He was heading towards Komui's office, intent on telling him to quit interrupting his search attempts when a flash of pale yellow caught his attention. He turned towards it, trying to figure out why it seemed so familiar. He froze, rooted to the spot. That was Timcampy, Allen's golem. His heart surged with hope, daring to believe for a second that his lost love had returned after all. When he saw whom it was following, however, that hope plummeted. That was unmistakably General Cross.

For a moment, he considered approaching the man. He couldn't though, not seeing how pissed he was. The man looked ready to maul the next person he met, which he nearly did when a Finder turned the corner and almost bumped into him. Cross bit the poor man's head of, berating him and demanding he move out of his way. It was during this turbulence that Timcampy finally noticed Kanda standing there, watching him. The small yellow golem flew slowly towards him, cautiously approaching as if it expected him to lash out. While he had never purposely lashed out at the golem, he felt a pang when he remembered how many times he had lashed out at Allen when his golem approached him. Now he wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug the little golem to him. His own golem fluttered around him and he remembered belatedly that it hadn't just been him and Allen who were lovers. Their golems had grown attached to each other too.

His separation had effected just him. It hadn't effected just Allen. It had effected everyone they were close to. He had put their friends, their colleagues through pain because of his recklessness. He had even pained their golems. His golem flew out to meet Timcampy but Timcampy seemed nervous, darting away when his golem came too close. His golem seemed confused by the actions but continued to pursue the little yellow golem as it always had, even when he and Allen had been apart. Finally, Timcampy approached it and nuzzled it a little. His golem tried to cuddle back but Timcampy pulled away, immediately retreating. General Cross, finally done with his lecture, glanced around for Timcampy. He noticed the golem with Kanda's golem and his eyes locked with Kanda. Kanda felt his blood go cold and for a brief, terrifying moment, he wondered if General Cross knew. That glare, that cold, heartless, piercing glare seemed to say it all. Then General Cross turned away and continued walking. "Come on, Timcampy. Let's go see Hebraska." Timcampy fluttered agitatedly around Kanda's golem before darting away, following it's creator.

Kanda collapsed to his knees, feeling as though all the blood had been frozen and then drained from his body. How could the General know about Allen's relationship with him? How could he possibly guess what havoc he had wrecked on both their lives? And yet he somehow knew, Kanda was sure of it. The man knew what he had done, how he had left Allen heartbroken. He knew and he intended to kill him for it. Maybe not now, maybe not even in the immediate future, but he was certainly going to die for hurting General Cross's beloved pupil. He couldn't feel his legs and he was shaking but Kanda forced himself to his feet. Very well then. Even if he died, that was fine. Even if General Cross showed no mercy, which his eyes said very well he intended to do, he would still follow after him. Kanda tried to walk forward and nearly collapsed, he was shaking so bad.

He didn't let that stop him, however. He knew that if anyone could find Allen, it would be General Cross. If anyone could bring Allen back to the Order, it would be General Cross. He wouldn't let this opportunity pass him by, no matter what it cost him. He finally had the hope he'd been longing for so much. He would follow the General, find Allen and apologize. He would apologize and bow to the ground until Allen was tired of the words. He would find a way to make his feelings get across to the boy he'd hurt so deeply. Shaking uncontrollably and barely able to walk, he made his way after General Cross. He didn't notice the golem behind him, following his every move and capturing the determined look on his face. It fluttered off, coming to stop in front of a red haired man. He blew out a steady stream of smoke and nodded to the golem. "Play it." He watched Kanda collapse to the floor, watched him get unsteadily to his feet, watch his expression turn from pure terror to determination. So he intended to follow him, eh?

"Good job." He patted the golem and turned around, heading away from Hebraska. He'd already collected everything he needed in the time it took Kanda to recover from his shock. If he was that determined, General Cross didn't care if he followed him. He made his way down the hall, heading for the river way, intent on leaving. "It's fine, samurai. Follow me if you can. Don't think I won't crush your hopes, though. You broke my idiot apprentice's heart. I'll stomp all over yours before I break every bone in your body and crush your spine. It's a small price to pay." He continued to smoke his cigarette, the small lighted tip at the end the only thing illuminating his face in the darkened corridor. He'd make him pay dearly for what he did. He'd make him suffer for hurting Allen and making him cry.

* * *

Kanda made his way to Komui's office to find out where General Cross had been heading. When he heard he'd gone to see Hebraska, he knew exactly what he planned to do. He didn't bother to try and go down to the oldest Exorcist in the Headquarters. He knew General Cross probably wouldn't be there. Instead, he headed for the waterways, hoping to cut him off. He didn't care if he had to beg, he would follow General Cross no matter what. He spotted him just as he was climbing into a boat. The General paused and muttered something to the Finder before settling comfortably in the boat. He seemed to be waiting for something. Kanda hesitated, wanting to follow but fearing his wrath. His courage had given out on him for once. Both Timcampy and General Cross were the only links he had left to his lost love. He was grasping at straws but he was beginning to question the merit in it. Was it worth it, to grasp at straws that might not keep him afloat?

General Cross glanced over at him at that moment. He regarded him coolly for a long moment before muttering to the Finder again. The Finder nodded agreeably and pushed off, taking off before Kanda could make up his mind. Kanda felt the pang in his chest and he didn't hesitate to think about merit anymore. He reacted, running forward. The boat was already rushing downstream but Kanda didn't pause to consider the fast current of the river. He dove in, still clothed in his heavy Exorcist jacket, Mugen strapped to his side. He swam forward, feeling the silver dragging him down. He wouldn't take the coat off, though, he would sink and drown before he did that. Allen had told him he loved how he looked in his coat. Allen had worn this coat, naked but this piece of cloth covering his smaller body. Allen's memories and his own were linked in this coat. It was the first link they had, the first memory they shared from their very first mission. He wouldn't give that up.

He was sinking, drowning, his head falling beneath the water despite his efforts to reach the boat when he heard his voice call out to him. "Are you an idiot? You can't possibly make it. Just give it up." Finding his second wind, Kanda swam fiercely towards that voice and grasped the side of the tiny boat. The startled Finder gave a small 'eep' and stopped rowing. Kanda dragged himself inside the boat and glared at the red-haired man who dared to tell him to give up. General Cross looked back at him coolly, taking a drag from his cigarette and blowing it in Kanda's face. "What's that look for, idiot?"

Kanda's eyes watered from the smoke but he refused to choke and cough on the smoke. "I'm coming with you." He told him fiercely, knowing that he didn't look very threatening at all right now. He looked more like a half-drown cat, which is what he felt, frankly. Still, he wouldn't give up. He'd made up his mind he would see this through to the end and he intended to do just that. "I'm coming with you and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

General Cross continued smoking before glancing sideways at the Finder. "Did I say you could stop rowing? Row, goddamnit. Row and don't stop this time. I don't care if we run over the goddamn Cardinal with this crappy little dingy. We don't stop for anything or anyone. You got that?" When the Finder didn't respond, he removed his cigarette and glared at him. "I asked if you understood, damn it!" He eeped again and began rowing.

General Cross turned his gaze to Kanda. He regarded him in silence for several minutes before glancing at his golem. Kanda glanced at it as well. It was circling Timcampy, who was sitting in the boat. It didn't try to approach, it just stayed near the little yellow golem. He returned his gaze to the general and found him staring at him coolly again. "You can come with me." He finally responded. "I still haven't decided if I'll let you meet my idiot apprentice yet or not, though."

Kanda didn't drop his determined gaze. It wasn't a no. He still had hope. He gestured to his golem to come to him and radioed Komui to tell him what was going on. He told him that he was taking a leave of absence to follow General Cross, though he didn't explain why. He intended to refuse to explain why if Komui asked but after a long silence on the other end, Komui agreed. He told him not to let the general out of his sight and disappear again. Kanda readily agreed and glared challenging at General Cross, as if daring the older man to deny him. General Cross had taken to ignoring him, though. Kanda gave a report of where he was to Komui and hung up, letting his golem. It returned to hovering around Timcampy.

"If you slow me down at all, I'll throw you out of this boat and let you drown." Cross warned Kanda as they left the Order's water passages.

"I won't slow you down." Kanda retorted. "You just better hurry up and find the Moyashi before I do."

General Cross smirked at the response. Good. If he was this feisty, it made things better. He wouldn't hand his idiot apprentice over to an idiot like this. Still, he would at least make good material as a lesson on who Allen should avoid, what type of lovers were dangerous to get attached to. He wouldn't let him be heartbroken again. He would crush Kanda for his idiot apprentice and find him a good lover, one who could treasure Allen's heart properly. He'd do it and he'd enjoy every agonizing moment for Kanda. He smirked, smiling widely as he smoked. He couldn't wait to find his idiot apprentice and make everything better again.


End file.
